Talking To Elderly Parents

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An Interview With Financial Planner Bob Mauterstock

Bob Mauterstock has a lot to say about a difficult problem! He is recognized as an expert in the areas of long term care planning, mediation and eldercare. Though he retired in 2010, he’s actively engaged as an accomplished speaker and authority on the financial concerns of the elderly.  He has taken his 32 years of experience as a financial adviser to hundreds of families and written a book, Can We Talk, A Financial Guide For Babyboomers Assisting Their Elderly Parents. It’s a practical guide for boomers to open the lines of communication with their parents. He gives us over 30 forms that we can use to collect the necessary information required to help our parents in making a smooth, safe, financial transition.

1. Midlife Cafe: Hi Bob: How did you decide to write your book, “Can We Talk, A Financial Guide For Babyboomers Assisting Their Elderly Parents?”

 Bob Mauterstock: Hi and thank you for inviting me!  Well, during my career as a financial adviser, I asked my new clients, “How are your parents doing?” primarily to learn if they might need to provide financial support for their parents or become caregivers. Almost all of them would answer, “We don’t know what their situation is. We haven’t talked to them about it”. Children weren’t willing to bring up the issues of aging with their parents and parents don’t volunteer any information. As a result, in most cases, no planning was done until there was a family emergency. “Mom just had a stroke or Dad had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. What do we do now?”

Too many of my clients ended up trying to manage crisis situations and making poor decisions. As a result, I started helping them organize family meetings. At the end of my career as a financial adviser I decided to write a book based on my experience with families. I wrote the book to focus on the important issues they needed to discuss and how to begin the process. Now that I am retired I am speaking to as many groups as I can to impress on boomers and their parents the importance of beginning to plan with mom and dad while they are healthy.

2. MC: What signs should Boomers look for to know it’s time to deal with “Transition Planning”?

Bob: I really don’t believe that boomers should look for specific signs to begin the conversation with their parents. I would suggest that a better alternative might be to use age as a guide. Once your parents reach their 70′s, it’s time to talk to them about how they want to be remembered, what plans they have for their lives as they get older, and what they want to make sure is done before they are gone. These conversations will lead to more serious talks about their lives and what they expect from their children. But if your parents begin to show signs of health problems before age 70 you should begin the conversations before then.

3. MC: What steps can we take to set up an intergenerational financial plan?

Bob: The first step is to set up a  family meeting to discuss all the issues that the family will need to face as parents get older. Finances are a very important part, but not the only part of this meeting. The family meeting should include a number of important areas such as healthcare issues, legal issues, financial issues and legacy issues. This family meeting, if run correctly (utilizing a non-family member as facilitator), will set the stage to create an intergenerational plan which works on many levels.

4. MC: What’s the value of a financial meeting?

Bob: As I mentioned in the previous question, the meeting should be about more than finances. This family meeting is an opportunity to clear the air. It gives parents a chance to express their opinions and children to express theirs as well. When the meeting is over (it can extend over a few days), no one should have any objections to the family’s plan. During the meeting each person’s questions and objections to any part of the plan should be addressed and cleared. That’s why it is so important to have both parents and all the siblings at the meeting. If they cannot be there in person, through technology aids such as Skype, family members should still participate. Everyone should keep in mind that this meeting is more about values than valuables. It’s goal is to create a plan to preserve and protect the family’s legacy as well as their assets.

5. MC: In your book, you mention there are significant obstacles to preserving family wealth. What are they?

 Bob: The obstacles include the following:

* Taxes
* Lack of a long range plan
* No strategies to control risk
* Inflation
* Inability of family members to compromise and cooperate

6. MC: Do you have any further advice for people in midlife?

Bob: People in midlife should try to find a balance between enjoying life to the fullest right now and creating the long term habits and discipline to expand and preserve their future options.

I’ve enjoyed answering these questions. Thanks again for the opportunity to let more people know about the opportunities available in an open discussion geared to make “Transition Planning” easier.

Midlife Cafe: It’s wonderful that you’ve used your time and energy to write this practical book. Your website and Twitter posts open the chance to gain even more insight into caring for aging parents, We are lucky to have you join us today.  Thanks Bob!

 

 

Midlife Solutions

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Are We Getting Weaker?

The basic issue with aging is that we see it as a series of losses. ( I talked about this in my post on Creative Aging.) Looking at age as loss leads to feeling like the ax is going to fall any moment. It threatens to make fear a companion. It points like a black ghost toward a time in the future when we will pass away into who knows exactly what. It all begins with that first feeling of joint pain or arthritis creeping into awareness. This is a warning sign that starts grabbing our attention, penetrating our consciousness, ever so slowly.  What is really scary is knowing this means we are losing, falling apart –– helpless to keep the machine from wearing out. It hits really hard if you’ve been fit for most of your life.

They say the structure of fear is putting negative visions into the future. With physical pain, our bodies are making requests, in the present, to pay attention to something. Our bodies yell,  ”It’s time wake up and take care of this pain”. Pain invites us to make comparisons between what we felt in the past, with no pain, and what we feel now; and then what that means for the future. It points to some physical part of us deteriorating. This may not be temporary. We may need to do somethings differently. For example, after running for over 20 years my knees won’t let me do it anymore. They hurt every time I try. I need to change my exercise. It could mean more or different exercise. But it definitely means change.

Cultivate Inner Strength

Should we struggle to maintain the level of activity we had growing up? Is it really necessary to ski, bike ride, and run into our 60′s, 70′s and 80′s? I mean what is necessary for us to do to live a healthy life into an older age? Most of the people I know including myself, exercised to be stronger, better looking or better than other people our age. It was a sort of club of excellence.  But, now, I think it’s necessary to pay attention to those messages from our aging physical parts. I believe it’s important to adapt. It’s vital that we continue to be physically active, but we must look to what else we are. It’s time to develop the parts of ourselves that are more than our bodies. The encore years are about integrating healthful nurturing exercise with spiritual inner growth.

Joan Chittister in her book, The Gift Of Years, wrote “The task of every separate stage of life is to confront its fears so that it can become more than it was. For the young, it is overcoming the fear of functioning alone. For the middle-aged, it is dealing with the fear of failure. For those of us who have moved beyond the middle years, it is learning to cope with the fear of weakness.”

How do we cope with the fear of failure and weakness? We build spiritual connection deep within ourselves. We learn to disconnect from our emotional and physical ideas about ourselves. We separate ourselves from the idea that we are not enough physically, because we don’t have young bodies.  We expand our ability to feel compassion and, at the same time, disconnect from other people’s traumas. We build a new kind  of strength that we are increasingly physically designed to cultivate.  We can’t go back. Besides, if I tell the truth, going back doesn’t me interest at this point.  We learn to value what is not subject to weakness. We find a new type of strength. We feel our aliveness inside ourselves and do things from there. Nothing has really been lost. We can shift our awareness and notice we are as strong or stronger than ever.

To find out more about building inner strength for now and the future download our free ebook on choosing your future. And make sure to share this post on Twitter and Facebook.

 

Midlife Wisdom

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An Important Lesson                   

The wisdom of midlife can help the next generation and act as a guide for us in planning our future. For me a great lesson was revealed through persistence as I began a new business while still in my 30s.

This lesson began while I worked as Director of Counseling at Mitchell College in CT. At the time, I was actively volunteering for what is now Landmark Education. I’d met a man, in one of the seminars, who wanted to design a career marketing course with me. I saw this as a great way to meet people that might be interested in doing psychotherapeutic work as well.  It was at that point, I considered going out on my own. Here I was, 32, the youngest Director of Counseling in the State and restless. Eager to test my talents in the business world I wanted to expand. I was optimistic and excited about developing a new future. Neither my husband, Jim, nor I had any certainty that I would be able to attract enough people to make a viable business. But, Jim had a job, so we had enough money to survive.

It was a scary time. But the blindness and daring of youth fortified me. That was, until I talked to our seminar leader in Landmark. He thought it was a terrible idea. He discouraged me. He said I was crazy to leave a secure position that many people would give their eye teeth to have. I knew it was a good job, but it wasn’t challenging enough. I felt like his advice asked me to bury myself alive. I knew it was risky. But, I did it anyway. I decided to try it and just keep going no matter what.

As it turned out, the career marketing program was great, but not as interesting to me as psychotherapy. I still wasn’t doing what I really wanted to do. Eventually, I met another psychotherapist and we went into business together. I was scared and excited the whole time. There were moments I thought about quitting. But, then, I realized there was nothing else I really wanted to do. I told myself to shut up and forget about my concerns and discomforts. Then, I’d refocus my attention on what was next on my plate and do it. The focus relieved me from fear.  My new colleague and I designed and lead groups.  My therapy practice exploded. I was able to quadruple my income after 4 months in business. How often does that happen.

Find Something You Love

I am telling you this story because it takes persistence to create anything in the world. Even though self doubt rode shotgun as I worked toward my goals, I learned to stand my ground and keep declaring myself a private practice psychotherapist. You can do it too. Just find something you love that much. In midlife, your life lessons are your partners. They help fortify you for whatever path you venture down.  They are also the gifts you give to the younger generation. Check out my free ebook. It is designed to fortify you in your venture.

 

 

Midlife Twists And Turns Of Love

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Love And Memories

As summer begins once again, I am reminded of the nurturing love provided by my parents even after I became an adult.  Every July 4th, while growing up, my parents took “the kids” to the fireworks. On this particular July 4th, my brother, my husband, Jim, mom, dad and I, set up a blanket and chairs in a field in Weston CT. We came early, as every fireworks veteran knew, it was the best way to get a good view. It was still light. There were temporary food stalls, game booths and rides for kids scattered around the grounds. People were milling and strolling everywhere. Excitement and community were in the air.

Grateful For Their Love

My parents were in their early 80′s. I was in midlife and my brother wasn’t far behind. I was struck with how grateful and comfortable I felt when my father and mother looked at the three of us and said, ” Why don’t you “kids” look around.” They sat, in the chairs, “holding down the fort,” as they always had. I almost started to cry. I realized this could be the last time we ever did this together and how much I would miss it. I’d miss the command of their presence. I dutifully walked around as my brother slipped into the kid mode with my husband and I. It was so nice to be taken care of in this gentle family way.

Now, my parents are gone and July 4th will never be quite the same. I will never be taken care of, loved, like that again. I remembered how much I fought for my independence as a teenager, and how trivial it seemed now that I had it.  It isn’t that I wanted to retreat and become a child again –– it was the nurturing I missed. The sense that everything would be alright, just because my parents were there. That particular July 4th, was like resting into the feeling that life is permanent and knowing deeply this was a temporary gift.  Appreciate that you have people that love you and you love. Love is a precious thing.

Summer is around the corner, but love is still in my heart. Thanks for sharing this experience with me. And don’t forget to download your copy of my free ebook on Choosing Your Future.

 

Don’t Label A Boomer

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The Marketer’s Problem

It is time to think differently about age. The reason for this change may not be noble, but are you willing to take a gift in whatever form it happens?

The story begins with a new problem in the market place. There is mounting frustration about how to deal with Boomers. Apparently we are rebelling against being labeled “old”. Boomers don’t want to be called older, seniors, the elderly, or older adults. Marketers don’t know how to address us. Ms Fishman, president of Generational Targeted Marketing, a research marketing firm in New York, said, “For heavens sake don’t call them anything. You can talk about their interests their values or what they do but don’t label them.” She meant don’t put them in an age block.

You see this is serious. The marketers probably know that 50% of the countries wealth is controlled by boomers. This means Boomers are responsible for over half of all consumer spending. (See Baby Boomer Statistics on Google if you want to check it out.) We are an economic force that is difficult to ignore. They want to do anything but alienate us as a group.

But there is an odd twist in all this concern about how to address us. They are really stuck, because they don’t realize the depth of the problem. How do they let go of using age to distinguish us? Thinking in terms of age is so deep and habitual. For over 100 years our culture has used age as a convenient way to categorize the population. The downside of this is that people have become hyper-focused and identified themselves as an age. An older age means, who we are has become negative, bad, old and worthless.

Thomas Cole, director of the McGovern Center for Humanities and Ethics at the University of Texas Health Science Center at Houston wrote: “The culture’s problem is that we split aging into good and bad. We’re unable to sustain images of growing older that handle the tension between spiritual growth, the good, and physical decline, the bad. In the Hebrew Bible, aging is both a blessing and a curse. But our culture can’t achieve this kind of synthesis.” Are we being too black and white? Is our thinking too simplistic, as a culture?

Open Your Mind and Think Again

I think it is possible for Boomers to change this story. If you can’t call a Boomer anything related to being older, why not forget about using age as a criteria for talking about them at all. Ms Fishman is right but for different reasons. She is calling attention to it to avoid irritating Boomers. Why not take a lesson from colonial times in America. People were labeled by what they did. Can’t a retired golfer be a golfer? Can’t a student, old or young, be a student? Can’t a grandmother be a childcare provider, if that is what she does? My hope is it will loosen, if not dissolve, our habit of thinking about how old we are. Who we are is different from what we do. It should help to separate age from how we identify ourselves. I could identify myself as a vital and passionate person who is interested in modern art without even referencing my age.

The marketers will help us out here, just because avoiding age references pays them in the long run. This works for me. I’ll take whatever help I can get. I love the idea of not being put in an age box. How do you imagine it would be to take the focus off how old or young we are. For me, it gives room to breathe and be myself instead of my age.

Creative Aging

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It’s The Old Story

In midlife, boomers are confronted with a dilemma. Do we listen to the prevailing stereotyped beliefs from the past that states all problems of an older person are caused by being older. We can surf google and read about the negative effects of aging. You know the list: wrinkles, depression, dementia, failing knees, bad backs, and it goes on and on. Only recently, people have started to talk about the creative opportunities available as we age. Yet, overall, people still believe age is an unmanageable problem. Most say, aging itself is the loss of our ability to grow because we are no longer able.

I think something is missing. This aging story is too simplistic. I mean, do all the creative qualities of youth and experience disappear when we reach a certain number or look older? Growing up, we were all forced to choose between being creative and falling under the weight of a problem. Reaching an age does not dictate anything, but an invented story  can be positive, or negative. You get to choose which one. How great is that? As I said in an earlier post, Boomers really are special.

Rollo May, in his book The Courage To Create, said creativity was “the process of bringing something new into being.” Creativity doesn’t stop life from presenting issues for us to face at any age. But what it does do, is allow us to get involved in, and experiment with, the opportunities life presents –– even if they look like problems.

Then again, everyone knows someone like my Aunt Polly. Before my uncle died, she could be a rigid critical person. But after his death, she started to insult and even yell at people. Once she went out to the curb and yelled at the garbage man for not picking up her refuse by 10:00 AM. She got so abusive the family began to avoid her. Eventually they stopped including her in family get togethers.

Some people say, she didn’t have the ability to create good relationships. Others said, she was unable to deal with life’s disappointments. Did she lack the creativity to adjust to a new life without her husband? I don’t think it was creativity she lacked. She was able to create enemies with the garbage man and just about everyone else. Once I saw her scream at a young neighbor who made cookies for her, because they were not chocolate chip. Her problem was she couldn’t let herself grieve her lost husband. She was bitter and angry about it and projected that onto everyone else. She went down with the weight of losing one way of life and needing to finding another. It didn’t have anything to do with age.

What Story Are You Creating?

Creativity can be used positively or negatively. While Polly went down with her loss, others grieve and build new lives. For example, Pete retired from being a dentist at 65. By chance, in his early 20′s, he and a favorite Aunt, went to an English flower show. He spent most of the show looking at the roses.  Then, when he retired, he started to think about what to do with his time. Unfortunately almost as soon as he retired, his wife had a stroke and died.  A year later, while walking in a book store he saw a book on growing roses. That was it. He started to experiment the first year and soon he built his own greenhouse. He filled it with every variety and color of rose you can imagine. He was so good, folks came over just to see his flowers! Later, he started giving tours and teaching his cultivation methods to garden clubs. In his 70′s, he hit the flower show circuit.

Start Creating Your Positive Story

Can you allow yourself to get involved with the new challenges life presents? Being older doesn’t mean you have to stop using the creative juices that are bubbling in your soul. Just use it to your advantage. Try being like Pete and look at what moves you. You don’t even have to wait. You can start today. Let me know what you come up with.

 

Midlife Stress Series Part 8

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Give And Receive

Another fun way to release stress and regain an internal equilibrium is to give of yourself. Giving can alter how you think about yourself. It’s a way to break out of the cycle of stress you find yourself in.

For example, at the checkout counter in a grocery store the other day, I heard the cashier ask a man if he wanted to give a $1.00 to the March of Dimes. He refused. It made me think about all the times I’ve been asked to give and refused. I would tell myself, I didn’t have the extra money right now. I’d pull back and get hard inside so I could withhold my natural desire to contribute. I’d feel small and afraid. Aren’t these the sensations of shutting down the heart, of closing it off from the world? Isn’t closing yourself off another way to feel isolated and bogged down, tight and stressed? The man at the store even physically pulled his body back from the counter when he said no. Giving with generosity is the opposite of pulling back and staying stressed out.

Have you ever paid attention to how you feel when you give a gift? Once my father bought my sister an apartment washing machine. She was very poor, at the time, and couldn’t afford to buy one for herself. As a new mother, she was overwhelmed with washing and the chores of motherhood. When she got the card announcing that the washing machine was on its way, she let out a gasp of surprised joy, burst into tears, ran across the room, and threw her arms around my father’s neck. He was so moved he started to cry.  It was beautiful. They felt so much pleasure it was evident they’d both opened their hearts. You see, one gave and both felt the joy. Giving literally spreads pleasure around from giver to receiver and back, even if it’s only $1.00. This is why they say giving breeds abundance. One person’s joy feeds the other, in this wonderful circle.

Watch this video about The Joy of Giving Week. It’s clear here. Pay attention to the faces of both boys. Notice the relaxed smiles of pleasure on both of their faces after the exchange. Notice the struggle on the walking boy’s face when he was deciding whether to give the other little boy his own candy.

Try giving something tangible or intangible. It can be helping a friend move a piece of furniture.  If you are a sales woman in a clothing store, it can be spending the time to really help a customer. Feel the pleasure an open generous heart gives. Tell me what happens. I love to hear the stories. Thanks in advance for sharing with me.

Boomers Are Special

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Boomers Aren’t Old

Jim Shea in The Hartford Courant 4/11/2 made some interesting comments quoting experts at the The Aging in America Conference in Washington DC in March 2012. These experts noted that retired Boomers are doing anything but resting. Unlike like retirees of the past, they remain active. They are learning new things by going back to college, starting new careers and businesses, reviving old dreams and pursuing them. Some need to supplement their income, but that doesn’t change the desire to engage and discover a unique and valuable way to participate in life.  As a group, we are finding new and different ways to feel valuable and important.  Using what we already know as a base, we are picking a new direction and relishing the expansion. In this light, he mentioned author Gail Sheehy’s redefinition of aging based on this new Boomer behavior. She described baby boomers as the “Grand Tweens”. Those roughly between ages 55 and the early 70′s have their own category, no longer associated with being old. We are in between, not young but not old. If this isn’t beginning the redefinition of aging I don’ t know what it is.

The New Tweens

Then, I started to wonder about the aging process itself. It’s a relief to know that we can deal with the physical aspects of aging by appropriately  exercising. But how are we going to keep our dementia and loss of memory from overpowering our ambitions to thrive? I found this YouTube video that came out a few months before the boomers began to turn 65. Sixty-five is the perfect time to become clear about what is important and what to do about the biggest fear of all, losing our memories as we age. I think you’ll appreciate this video with Harry Smith too.

Great News

Since this video, more recent research has come out substantiating the video we just saw. Science has established that Alzheimer’s, does diminish from our increasing our brain activity. It seems deposits of amyloid protein in the brain earmarks Alzeheimer’s disease. Now, for the first time, scientists have agreed that activities like reading, writing and playing games are associated with lower amyloid protein levels. This NIA supported research is located in the Archives of Neurobiology and was published on 1/23/12.

So get out your puzzles and call up you friends and invite them to lunch! And while you are there tell them to download the free copy of my book about Choosing Your Future.

Midlife Stress Series Part 7

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Beauty Is Your Friend

Have you ever heard the saying, “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”? As you read this, choose new ways to indulge in beauty as a stress release. Discover how appreciating beauty can reduce your stress.

Last week I bought some hyacinths and put them in the center of the dining room table. The smell permeates the house as I type this blog. I feel bliss every morning when I get up and every night as I come home. I love that smell. It reminds me of a story one of my mentors told me many years ago.

He told me about a female anthropologist who traveled to Africa to live with a tribe. She was studying the women’s customs and values by living in their community. Learning the language was difficult even though she had studied it before her arrival in the village. When she adjusted and could really communicate, she was included as a partner and member of their society. She stayed for over a year working with her new friends on all kinds of tasks.Together they would cut and prepare meat. They’d take care of the children, clean the living quarters, and skin animals. They made jewelry, pottery and honed the points of spears the men used for hunting.

As close as she was to women of the tribe, she didn’t look like them. By stretching and pulling their ears, they made their earlobes stretch. For most women, the ears were two or three inches long. They even put finely carved pieces of ivory through the center of their noses. The desire to be beautiful and attract marriage partners was as strong there as it is in our culture.

One day, some of the women took her aside. They sat down in a circle and in gentle tones told her she needed some help with her appearance. They offered to help her become more beautiful and warned her it would take some time before she was able to be anything but ugly. You see the anthropologist had blond hair and no elongation of any kind. They felt sorry for her. Trying to console her, they stroked her hands and arms  as if to say,”Don’t be too upset.”

I thought it was a great story. It tells me that beauty is whatever we think it is. Beauty is a function of culture. And since judgements are subjective, it doesn’t matter what we find beautiful, as long as we find something.

Beauty Is Everywhere

It has to be something like seeing a landscape that stops us, to take a deep breath, releasing stress, and feeling love and appreciation for what we see. Have something beautiful near you every day. Notice something that speaks to you, and calls you to let in the splendor of that moment. Since everyone is different, the choice is up to you. Let yourself wander the world looking for different things to enjoy. I have different flowers at different times of year. Spring is a great time for tulips, hyacinths and forsythia. In the summer, daylilies and geraniums are nice. Choose whatever you want. Music is great too. It has to be music that lifts your heart and makes you vibrate with pleasure.

Remember the world is full of beauty when you take the time to value it. What’s beautiful to you? The face of your children, a beautiful landscape, a love song, a favorite painting? Bathe in that beauty. Indulge yourself because you are worth it. When you find beauty around you, it connects you with the beauty within. Let me know what it’s like and what happens. And while you at it, make sure to download your copy of my book on choosing your future.

Midlife Stress Series Part 6

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Clean Your Way To Calm

As you may have noticed, there is more than one way to make your midlife journey less stressful. Here’s something that really worked for me.

My midlife discontent was a source of irritation for some people in my life. They couldn’t understand what I had to complain about. They said, “Don’t be unhappy with your life. Your life is fine. There is no reason to be discontented. It will pass.” Then, my family told me I was crazy. They said, “Wait and see if what you’re feeling is real.”

Well, I knew I felt crazy and I had already waited and found it very real. I just wasn’t myself. For example, I didn’t want to travel overseas on the long vacations my husband and I had taken for the past 15 years. I’d lost interest in seeing anymore countries.  I felt like our 2 or 3 week trips were too short. I didn’t care about the notch on my belt or the bragging rights of having gone to, yet another place. I wanted some substance and a sense of importance from a trip. I wanted to find something that would reach inside me and alter my way of seeing the world. A tall order for a sight seeing trip. Even more upsetting, I didn’t want to go to work each day. Yet, after I was there, I loved it. Why was I still tired and restless? I kept thinking over and over again. What does my life mean? I’ve accomplished all I set out to, and SO WHAT!

Then I Remembered

Initially, I was too tense to explore and too miserable to get out of my own way. I felt so disorganized and confused. Then I remembered what one of my mentors told me years ago. She recommended I clean up my act. I was shocked to be told to organize closets, drawers and any stray papers. She told me it was a step on the path to reducing stress. Cleaning out my physical world mirrored cleaning out my life. Straightening out my clutter literally and metaphorically shifted my focus. I was surprised at the time. But after doing it, I knew where everything was. It felt restful and calming.

Falling Into Place

Try this yourself. Get rid of your clutter. If it’s too big, start with one drawer per day. Yes, it will take a while. Just imagine as you clean, that everything is falling into place. You’ll be surprised. Try it for a week and let me know what you discover. And make sure to download your copy of my ebook on choosing your future.